That's what I look like. But thanks anyway.

So, as you all  those two people who actually read my blog know that my child is a little bit difficult. She still cries all night, and unfortunately all the nice tips *snort* of my non existent commenters didn't help.  Over the last few weeks I only had a few nights where I could actually sleep. I mean, really sleep. And during the day my daughter wants attention. Lots of attention.

Anyways, I don't have the time to shower every day (yeah, I know, super gross) nor to put on any make up or something else that makes me look like a human.
But today, luck was on my side. My husband came home way earlier and I could go to Starbucks the grocery store alone. I know: W-O-W.

So I took the car keys and drove into town. The good think about a car is, that people don't actually see what you look like (especially your hair). But I digress.
I eventually arrived in the mall and was overwhelmed by everything I missed. All the wonderful stores and snack restaurants and candy stores...sigh.
At one point I got into the make-up and wellness part of a store. I randomly looked at stuff I won't ever be able to use anymore. Out of nowhere there was one of those Barbie saleswomen standing next to me.
"Can I help you, miss?" Ugh, how I hate such high pitched voices, full with fake politness.

"No thanks, I'm just looking." I tried to sound nice. I really did.

"This is a really good shampoo, makes your hair smell wonderful!" Apparently I was too nice.
"And this here, is a moisture mask for your hair. It's very easy. You see, just put it on when taking a nice bath, let it soak in for 10 minutes and then rinse. It's so convenient, 'cause in those ten minutes you could have a glass of wine and relaaax..." 

Hmmm....which part of "I'm just looking" didn't she understand? Besides, uuuh....after a nice bath?? Who is she kidding? I mean, do I look as if I had the time to take a bath?  Ha! And then, uuuhhh...soak in for 10 friggin' minutes? HA! Oh, and the last part is my favorite. A glass of wine. During a bath. Yeah...of course, Mrs. Barbie.

But I didn't say any of that out loud. I'm too polite. I guess she only wanted to help. Or she was scared of how awesome (....) my hair looked like.

The world just has to accept that now there is another one of those.
Dear world (and Barbie-saleswomen), that's what I look like. But thanks for trying anyway.

A long long time ago...

I know it's been a long time since I posted something here and also on twitter.

I had many reasons. One of them was that I was a bit tired of this social network stuff. I didn't really notice the sociality there. See, even though I tried to find some contacts, most of the time I didn't get an answer (EXCEPT of super nice people like nannyanya or iamalejandra --> best people on twitter!) . I kinda felt lonely there and so I got really frustrated with it.

Now for this blog...you see, English is not my mother tongue and it takes time to write something here. And then I get practically no comments or any feedback at all... Sometimes I'm just wondering if it's really worth the effort.
Besides, my precious little baby girl is keeping me busy! Hee hee

But a few people have asked me for some new pictures of my little daughter Charlotte. I can't say no to that can I? =)

I guess every mother says that, but I think my daughter is the most precious little girl ever :)

But see for yourself... and adore her :)

Taking a bath. Which she doesn't like AT ALL. Maybe you can see that in her annoyed sweet & happy expression ;)

                                                                  my favorite little girl  

My angel                                                                                 

I'll be missing you

I thought a long time about what title I should use for this post.

17 years ago, the worst happened.
My dad moved out. My mother wanted a divorce.

I was only 4 years old.
And I didn't understand.
I didn't talk anymore. I wanted my dad back.
My mother was feeling guilty for causing me such pain.
I didn't understand that either.

She thought about what could make me happy again. Then she had an idea.

She got me a kitty.

And I loved it. From the bottom of my heart. The kitty was my everything. It was a girl, so I called her
Minouche.
I started to talk again. Just with the cat, but still, it was an improvement.
I told her everything. I hugged her and cried in her soft, brown, white and black, coat.
She was the friend who was always there for me.
She used to run to the door when she saw me coming home from school.
She used to sleep in my bed, under the blanket, snuggling at me.
I loved her.
And she loved me too.

This morning I got up and prepared her breakfast, as always. I called her name, but she didn't come running.
I went to see what's up.

And there she was, on the couch, in her favorite sleeping position.

She wasn't breathing anymore.

She peacefully died in her sleep.

After 17 years and 10 months.

You might think it's just a cat. But to me, she was more. She was the one who helped me get through the worst time in my life. I told her more than any of my friends.

I'll be missing her.

So so so much.

I can't even express how much it hurts.

Feeling like High School

I've been on Twitter for a bit more than a year now. At the beginning it was incredibly interesting just to read tweets.
After a while I wanted to participate in discussions. I thought I could just throw in my comments and it'll be as much fun for me as it was (apparently) for the others. So I made comments, remarks and I tried to be positive. I really tried. Sure, I met a few really nice people who actually responded if I had questions but didn't the media say that on Twitter everyone can meet hundreds of new friends? Huh...everyone except for me, I guess.

I had to realize, that Twitter is like High School. The more popular you are, the more fun you have.

There are groups on twitter, like the mommybloggers, or the funny/sarcastic/ whatever mom's or weight loss groups and so many more. As someone who doesn't live in the US or Canada or another big country it is really hard to find people on twitter. Besides, English is not my mother tongue, and I guess people notice that (I apologize for all the grammar mistakes I've done until now OK? Geez.)
I have nothing agains't social media (puh-lease, I'm a facebook-addict) but when you're not in some sort of group, Twitter is probably not as much fun; less people help you when you have a problem. Less people notice when you make a huge announcement. And of course there are less comments on your blog. I spend hours with commenting, even if the blog is crappy (and yes, I know that you probably consider my blog as one of those).

I feel like in High School again. A loner in a community that consists thousands of people.

Maybe it's just me. Am I really that boring/annoying/uninteresting?

Are you ready fro *the* new life?

"Are you ready for marriage?" I asked my friend Ali. Me and my best friend Anne had lunch in a  bistro with him. We wanted to support him, since he was going to marry in a few days. He's a muslim and hasn't lived with a woman before. EVER.
He looked at me, puzzled. "Of course I'm ready", he hissed and put a napkin on his knees. "I already bought a second pillow!"
    Anne and I glanced at each other and bursted out laughing. We knew our friend had a very faint idea of how marriage really works and how it would be to share one's life with another person. He only thought about himself, typical for him.
    "Fatima is the the calm one in our relationship. I'm more like...the boss. She understands. We agreed on that." Ali exclaimed.
"None of us three is the calm one in our relationships" added Anne. "We're always the bad ones. But that doesn't matter. Things could change you know, Ali...."
    "Yeah," I added. "You could already throw away all your CD's , for example. Cause your fiancée will probably think that they're appalling."
"And you should always, at any rate, have a phone, a phone card or a lot of chump change with you so you can call her wherever you are!" said Anne.
    "And instead of listening to music while falling asleep, you're gonna hear soft waves or jungle sounds instead" I quipped.  "Women need that. I, for example, like the sound of the fan."
"Oooh yeah," said Anne, "I have the waves-cd. And you won't go to an after-work party again. The alternative is: Dinner at home."
    I nodded. "And once you're home from work you'll have to ask her if you wanna go out again."
"EXCEPT" chipped Anne in, "when she sends you to the grocery store."
    "Except she sends you to the grocery store." I agreed.
"And don't fool yourself with the mail. You'll never have it in your hands first EVER AGAIN." said Anne. "Your mail will always be checked, until the day you die."
    "And after your wedding you'll never be as happy at home as you were before. You'll like your office way more." said Anne.
"Exactly," I said, "and if she laughed about your jokes until now, she faked it." I warned him.
    "And if you've told a story once, you shouldn't tell it a second or third time," Anna explained, "cause with every repitition she'll hate you a little bit more."
"In two years she won't be bound to have sex with you anymore" I claimed. "But if you're a lucky one, and she still wants to, then you should be very, very thankful."
    "And try not to say things like 'Yes, baby, do it...' or 'Give it to me, bitch' " Anna pleaded, "And on't wake her up in the middle of the night just because your....male sex drive is creeping over."

Ali looked at us for a while and tried to memorize what we said. I saw how he knit his brows and the corners of his mouth went...downwards. I already thought he'd start to cry and I kinda panicked. Did we exaggerate a little too much?  Had we been too honest? Did we shock him too much? Had we gone too far? Would he cancel the weding now? I looked at Anna and I knew she had the exact same thoughts.

What had we done?!?! We really were the bad ones!

    "Maybe you girls are right," Ali said, " Maybe I'm not ready for marriage yet. How could I've been so stupid? What did I think?! I must've gone nuts!"

Anna and I didn't know what to say. We were just sitting there, a bit freake out. Our mouths were half open and we were ready to protest. WHAT HAD WE DONE?!?!

    "I admit it, I don't have a second pillow! I admit it!" Ali explained and stamped his foot. Then he looked at us and smiled wickedly.

I love my friends  :-)

UPDATE: When I started writing this post my life was still normal. Barely did I know that it would change so soon! My boyfriend proposed! I'm officially engaged!

Can you see the irony here? ;-)

I'm not "the wife", fucker!

I've known my boyfriend for 4 years now. And we're a couple since 98 days. I love him more than I can express. Sure, sometimes we have our arguments, but one of us always gives in (mostly it's him. I'm just too stubborn).
Sexy M is legally still married to his soon-to-be ex-wife, I lovingly call her Slutty-elle. But 6 months ago he filed for divorce (BEFORE he and I got together! I'm not a homewrecker, OK?) and today he finally signed the...hmmmm, how's that called....a divorce contract? Divorce papers? Anyways, he signed them. That's all that matters for me. Now I'm just hoping that Slutty-elle will sign it fast, too.
But that is not what really bothers me. We went to a restaurant for lunch today. It's a really good one ( you know, where you have to behave properly and so on...). The waiter was pretty cold and reserved and I got the feeling as if he'd want to kick me us out. He didn't deign looking at me for one second. He chose to only talk to sexy M (who's always being well mannered and so on. Ugh.).
"Have you and your wife already decided?"  he asked sexy M. I totally felt left out. I wanted to tell him that I wouldn't mind being looked at AND that I'm not the wife. Since when do you have to be married to go to a good restaurant, huh? HUH?
Ok, maybe I overreacted a little. I blame it on PMS.
Though, in the end the waiter made a really nice compliment (Of course he didn't say it to me directly, that bastard).
"You have a really lovely wife, sir!"  he said with a, in my opinion stupid, grin on his face.
Sexy M smiled back and said: "Yeah, isn't it? She's awesome" 

This is what bothered me. He didn't correct the waiter, quite the contrary. I mean, I loooooove him, but I'm not sure if people should see me as his wife.

Is it stupid to be scared of that?

The Witchery Tour or how I got the idea of neutering/ castration

So, yesterday sexy M and I went to the famous Witchery Tour. 
Just a little explanation what exactly a Witchery Tour is: You’re led around the Old Town by a deceased tour guide who regales various ghoulish tales. On route you will meet "jumper-ooters" - costumed characters employed to appear at inopportune times in an attempt to surprise you.

The tour guide's name was "Adam Lyal" (picture on the left!). This person actually lived a few hundred years ago and he told us legends and stuff. It was pretty cool. We walked through the dark streets of the Old Town and I was pretty scared. I clinged to sexy M's arm (I'm pretty sure his arm was numb after the Tour was over) and every little noise made me jump.

The last story the tourguide told us was the story about William Wallace (you know, the Braveheart guy). Wallace was a scottish freedom fighter but was captured by the english soldiers. To make a long story short: he didn't want to pledge loyalty to the english king and they tortured him because of that. I don't remember everything in details, but I do remember one thing: they castrated him, chopped off his balls. Ouch.

On our way home, sexy M and I were both quiet. The whole torturing thing occupied our minds.
"Did you like the tour?" he asked me.
"Yeah...I did. You?" I answered hesitantly.
"Mmmmh-hmmm...yeah, it was pretty cool."
The rest of the ride neither of us said anything. At home sexy M made me a sandwich (oh yes, he does that sometimes. When I ask. But he always asks for a little...hmmm....reward. But I digress now.) and then we went to bed and watched tv. I know, some of you will think: 'What? A tv in the bedroom? Freaks!'. But I just can't sleep when it's all quiet. Deal with it.
Anyways, as we decided to be all classy and watch a documentary on the "Docu-Channel". And guess what the topic was... The topic was: 'Castration- voluntary or a must?' I, too, thought: What the fuck?!?!  But it was actually pretty interesting.
They addressed the question, wheter pedophiliacs shoud get castrated as a punishment or not.
I have to admit, that I can't answer this question for myself. I don't have children. I don't know how it must feel for a mother whose child was abused. I think I would feel hate. And I would want this person to pay for what he did. Sexy M agreed, but he also said that it would be quite an inhuman punishment.

Like I already said, I don't know what to think.
What about you? I'd be happy to get some opinions in the comments!

The battle's on....(My arm has a right to live!!!)

In about two weeks, nursery school's gonna restart.
Our school is pretty boring progressive. At least that's what I thought. I mean, we have really good teachers which we're allowed to address informally, they teach us the newest stuff. And well, it's just fun to be in school. But a few weeks ago I changed my mind a little. I met a woman from Texas (@fabmomtofour) on twitter. She is a registered nurse and I told her about how we excercise. And with excercise I mean giving shots, taking blood samples etc. It doesn't take long to explain that:

We exercise on each other.

The first thing we learned was to apply a substance intramuscular. So, we had to exercise in groups of two. The other person who was in my group is, may I say, not really talented. I won't engross further, I only say: IT HURT. He injected the damned needle over 3 times and he did it slowly. Idiot.
Anyways, I thought we were progressive. But @fabmomtofour told me that this was kinda barbaric (she didn't say barbaric but something like that. Just something negative, OK?!) Apparently where she went to school they have some kind of fake-robot-arms and stuff to exercise.
How cool! I wish our school had this too! It would mean waayyyyy less pain!

I couldn't stop thinking about this. So I wrote an email to the dean of the german speaking section of our school, Mrs. Piller. I asked her why WE didn't have those robot thingies since it would be better for us (and our arms and legs and fingers and....ahem.....yeah).

"They're too expensive!" was her answer.

I tried to find information about such robot-arm-thingies but couldn't find anything (if you know a website that contains information, feel free to contact me or leave a comment). Now, therefore I don't know how much such a 'robot' costs and I couldn't bring any arguments to convince Mrs. Piller.
It still bothers me. We have to pay a lot of money to attend this school. What the eff are they doing with it? I mean, they're not paying the teachers since they get their salary from the state. We have to pay the class books ourselves, we pay or own food....ect.
So....where does this money go? Where?

I will find out.
The battle is not over yet.

My bucket list

"It is important to have an aim in life!"

My great-grandma tells me this, everytime we see each other. She's 85 now and she is my idol. She is such an incredibly strong woman. She was born 1930. She's always been a pretty wild girl. She refused to marry and when she got pregnant (18 years old, still unmarried, wich was, as you can think, a SCANDAL!) her parents kicked her out.

She found herself a job in a factory. She raised my grandpa all by herself. Until this day, she has never been married. But she was together with a guy for over 50 years. She always believed in herself and she never cared what people said.

You might think otherwise, but for me she is a hero. I've always been scared of not finding a Mr. Right and that I'll never marry. But now I realized that my worries were of no avail. I mean, it would be really nice to get married and stuff, but it's not the end of the world if I don't.

My great-grandma has a wonderful life, she always had. And so will I. I believe in that.

I saw the movie 'The bucket list' and it made me think of my great-grandma. I decided to create my own list.

My bucket list

#1: Go to New York

I love this city. I've seen thousands of pictures and I'm amazed by them. I just love the skyline by night, all these wonderful lights and the Statue of Liberty. In my imagination, I walk through the streets at night and I listen to Frank Sinatra's "New York, New York" on my iPod. I know, it's cheesy, but it's my dream.

Have you guys seen the movie with Macaulay Culkin, where he's alone in New York? (I'm sorry, I don't know how the movie's called in english. But I guess you know which one I mean...) Anyways, I would also love to see that huge christmas tree in front of that Plaza Hotel....*sigh*

Oh, and let's not forget the naked cowboy! :)

#2: (In case I'll marry one day) I wanna have a huge, big-time wedding

Oh yeah folks, I'm one of those. Those girls who dream of a super-corny wedding. I'd love to have a wonderful white wedding dress, "Here comes the bride" when I'm walked down the aisle by my dad, white roses everywhere, white doves flying into the sky when the ceremony is over. Oh, and I want a big party, with a big band, a nice buffet and a delicious wedding cake.

.....Get the picture? ;)

#3: Become the best nurse ever

What can I say? I love to work in a team. I'm very social. But "nurse" is only the first base. My dream job is to become a midwife. For me, every baby is a little wonder, and I'd love to work with (future-) mom's and with babies.

#4: Have my own family

I hope I'll have my own family one day. I doubt I'll have more than two kids, but hey, never say never! I hope I will be able to have a career and children. I have nothing against stay-at-home-mom's. Far from it! I think this is a super hard job and I admire every woman who is raising her kids and stays at home. It's such a lot of work! But I also dislike the idea, that I have to study more than 4 years to get a Bachelor in nursing /science of nursery and then stay at home. Nuh-uh, I won't drag my ass to school every day for nothing.

Now to the less serious goals:

#5: Shopping without having to worry about being broke in the middle of the month

Once....just once in my life I want to go into the stores, grab the stuff I like and buy it. Without looking at the price tag. I always have this special problem: If I like something that would ACTUALLY FIT, it's too expensive or they don't have it in my size. And the stuff I could afford is....well....not exactly what I wanted.

Is there anyone else in the world with this problem?

#6: Go hiking in the scottish highlands

I guess that is easy to explain. The scottish highlands are wonderful. So peaceful. I've been in scotland several times, but I never went to a REAL hiking tour.

#7: Open an asylum for homeless cats

Oooooh yeeaah, maybe I'll end up as "the lady whose only friends are the cats" Thankfully I really like cats.

#8: Own a chocolate factory

I love chocolate. It makes me happy (and fat, but that's beside the point now...tsk.) when I'm feeling down. So, isn't it only natural that I wanna have my own chocolate factory? And, am I weird? ;)

And last but not least:

#9: Go as Marilyn Monroe to a costume party

Marilyn Monroe was an icon. My great-grandma thinks he boobs looked like melons.

Erm....ok. But one day someone will invite me to a costume party (PLEEEAAAASSSE, INVITE ME! ----> Talkin' about being desperate....) and then I'll wear this white dress she wore. And I'll try to stand somewhere where it's windy.... *sigh*

Nine goals, I think that's not bad. Yeah, some of them are pretty ridiculous, I know. But they're my future. Kind of.

My great-grandma loves my list. And I lover her for approving and being who she is.

Decisions

It's been a weird day. I woke up at 3pm and I knew the day would end up bad. One hour later my feeling was confirmed. I had to meet with dad. In a bowling alley. Yippie....

Anyways, When I was back at home, I remembered that I still had to do some work for school. I must say I've been really lazy this year. I haven't done anything, no learning, no re-reading things, nothing. We only have exams at the end of the year not during the year. Last september when school started I thought: "Wow! No tests during the year! That is so cool!" Now I think: "Damn, I should've learned more. We should've had more tests during the year." I asked myself: Why didn't you learn more? I found the answer. Too soon, though. I am not interested in this stuff.

It's out now. If I would have to point out one thing that I learned this year, something that supports my decision to become a nurse, I wouldn't know what to say. Of course, we had good times. But I realized a while ago that I made the wrong decision. I don't like to take care of elderly people. It's not my thing. AT ALL. Back at the FMS I thought "hey, not all the patients are old!". Well, most of them are. 75%. Too much. I don't want to do this. But it's too late.

It has always been my dream to study languages. I love to learn languages. That is my thing.
Is it too late?

My first blog!

Wow, my first blog entry ever! That's quite cool!

About 2 years ago, it was a very rainy and boring day, I watched a few videos on youtube. Somehow, and I really don't remember how, I ended up watching the vlog of faintstarlite. I was amazed how many people actually follow such vlogs. I wanted people to follow me too. Unfortunately I'm not the kind of person who likes to be in videos. I don't like to hear myself speaking. Then I noticed that faintstarlite had a blog too! Having my own blog, that's something I could do too!
And here I am now, trying to create my very first blog entry.

Ok, now, a few things about myself. I'm a 20 year old girl from Switzerland. I'm studying nursery and midwifery. I have two crazy cats: Minouche and Bubi. Bubi actually thinks she's a dog. But that's not the point here ;-)
I love to read. My favorite authors are Agatha Christie and Laurie Notaro. And I'm hoplessly in love with the Harry Potter books. (Oh, and Spongeboob, but it's quite stupid to mention that here, since Spongebob isn't even a book). I love to surf in the internet and watching TV. I'm a real couch potatoe though.....I should learn...

I hope someone will read my blog. I'm gonna post the URL on twitter though....
I think I'm gonna stop here. My brain is like...empty. I better shut up before I write some stupid shit :-D (I am allowed to say shit, I'm european ---> no censorship here)