Saturday, September 26, 2009

Are you ready fro *the* new life?

"Are you ready for marriage?" I asked my friend Ali. Me and my best friend Anne had lunch in a  bistro with him. We wanted to support him, since he was going to marry in a few days. He's a muslim and hasn't lived with a woman before. EVER.
He looked at me, puzzled. "Of course I'm ready", he hissed and put a napkin on his knees. "I already bought a second pillow!"
    Anne and I glanced at each other and bursted out laughing. We knew our friend had a very faint idea of how marriage really works and how it would be to share one's life with another person. He only thought about himself, typical for him.
    "Fatima is the the calm one in our relationship. I'm more like...the boss. She understands. We agreed on that." Ali exclaimed.
"None of us three is the calm one in our relationships" added Anne. "We're always the bad ones. But that doesn't matter. Things could change you know, Ali...."
    "Yeah," I added. "You could already throw away all your CD's , for example. Cause your fiancĂ©e will probably think that they're appalling."
"And you should always, at any rate, have a phone, a phone card or a lot of chump change with you so you can call her wherever you are!" said Anne.
    "And instead of listening to music while falling asleep, you're gonna hear soft waves or jungle sounds instead" I quipped.  "Women need that. I, for example, like the sound of the fan."
"Oooh yeah," said Anne, "I have the waves-cd. And you won't go to an after-work party again. The alternative is: Dinner at home."
    I nodded. "And once you're home from work you'll have to ask her if you wanna go out again."
"EXCEPT" chipped Anne in, "when she sends you to the grocery store."
    "Except she sends you to the grocery store." I agreed.
"And don't fool yourself with the mail. You'll never have it in your hands first EVER AGAIN." said Anne. "Your mail will always be checked, until the day you die."
    "And after your wedding you'll never be as happy at home as you were before. You'll like your office way more." said Anne.
"Exactly," I said, "and if she laughed about your jokes until now, she faked it." I warned him.
    "And if you've told a story once, you shouldn't tell it a second or third time," Anna explained, "cause with every repitition she'll hate you a little bit more."
"In two years she won't be bound to have sex with you anymore" I claimed. "But if you're a lucky one, and she still wants to, then you should be very, very thankful."
    "And try not to say things like 'Yes, baby, do it...' or 'Give it to me, bitch' " Anna pleaded, "And on't wake her up in the middle of the night just because your....male sex drive is creeping over."

Ali looked at us for a while and tried to memorize what we said. I saw how he knit his brows and the corners of his mouth went...downwards. I already thought he'd start to cry and I kinda panicked. Did we exaggerate a little too much?  Had we been too honest? Did we shock him too much? Had we gone too far? Would he cancel the weding now? I looked at Anna and I knew she had the exact same thoughts.
What had we done?!?! We really were the bad ones!
    "Maybe you girls are right," Ali said, " Maybe I'm not ready for marriage yet. How could I've been so stupid? What did I think?! I must've gone nuts!"
Anna and I didn't know what to say. We were just sitting there, a bit freake out. Our mouths were half open and we were ready to protest. WHAT HAD WE DONE?!?!

    "I admit it, I don't have a second pillow! I admit it!" Ali explained and stamped his foot. Then he looked at us and smiled wickedly.
I love my friends  :-)

UPDATE: When I started writing this post my life was still normal. Barely did I know that it would change so soon! My boyfriend proposed! I'm officially engaged!
Can you see the irony here? ;-)

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I'm not "the wife", fucker!

I've known my boyfriend for 4 years now. And we're a couple since 98 days. I love him more than I can express. Sure, sometimes we have our arguments, but one of us always gives in (mostly it's him. I'm just too stubborn).
Sexy M is legally still married to his soon-to-be ex-wife, I lovingly call her Slutty-elle. But 6 months ago he filed for divorce (BEFORE he and I got together! I'm not a homewrecker, OK?) and today he finally signed the...hmmmm, how's that called....a divorce contract? Divorce papers? Anyways, he signed them. That's all that matters for me. Now I'm just hoping that Slutty-elle will sign it fast, too.
But that is not what really bothers me. We went to a restaurant for lunch today. It's a really good one ( you know, where you have to behave properly and so on...). The waiter was pretty cold and reserved and I got the feeling as if he'd want to kick me us out. He didn't deign looking at me for one second. He chose to only talk to sexy M (who's always being well mannered and so on. Ugh.).
"Have you and your wife already decided?"  he asked sexy M. I totally felt left out. I wanted to tell him that I wouldn't mind being looked at AND that I'm not the wife. Since when do you have to be married to go to a good restaurant, huh? HUH?
Ok, maybe I overreacted a little. I blame it on PMS.
Though, in the end the waiter made a really nice compliment (Of course he didn't say it to me directly, that bastard).
"You have a really lovely wife, sir!"  he said with a, in my opinion stupid, grin on his face.
Sexy M smiled back and said: "Yeah, isn't it? She's awesome" 

This is what bothered me. He didn't correct the waiter, quite the contrary. I mean, I loooooove him, but I'm not sure if people should see me as his wife.

Is it stupid to be scared of that?

Sunday, September 6, 2009

The Witchery Tour or how I got the idea of neutering/ castration

So, yesterday sexy M and I went to the famous Witchery Tour
Just a little explanation what exactly a Witchery Tour is: You’re led around the Old Town by a deceased tour guide who regales various ghoulish tales. On route you will meet "jumper-ooters" - costumed characters employed to appear at inopportune times in an attempt to surprise you.
The tour guide's name was "Adam Lyal" (picture on the left!). This person actually lived a few hundred years ago and he told us legends and stuff. It was pretty cool. We walked through the dark streets of the Old Town and I was pretty scared. I clinged to sexy M's arm (I'm pretty sure his arm was numb after the Tour was over) and every little noise made me jump.
The last story the tourguide told us was the story about William Wallace (you know, the Braveheart guy). Wallace was a scottish freedom fighter but was captured by the english soldiers. To make a long story short: he didn't want to pledge loyalty to the english king and they tortured him because of that. I don't remember everything in details, but I do remember one thing: they castrated him, chopped off his balls. Ouch.
On our way home, sexy M and I were both quiet. The whole torturing thing occupied our minds.
"Did you like the tour?" he asked me.
"Yeah...I did. You?" I answered hesitantly.
"Mmmmh-hmmm...yeah, it was pretty cool."
The rest of the ride neither of us said anything. At home sexy M made me a sandwich (oh yes, he does that sometimes. When I ask. But he always asks for a little...hmmm....reward. But I digress now.) and then we went to bed and watched tv. I know, some of you will think: 'What? A tv in the bedroom? Freaks!'. But I just can't sleep when it's all quiet. Deal with it.
Anyways, as we decided to be all classy and watch a documentary on the "Docu-Channel". And guess what the topic was... The topic was: 'Castration- voluntary or a must?' I, too, thought: What the fuck?!?!  But it was actually pretty interesting.
They addressed the question, wheter pedophiliacs shoud get castrated as a punishment or not.
I have to admit, that I can't answer this question for myself. I don't have children. I don't know how it must feel for a mother whose child was abused. I think I would feel hate. And I would want this person to pay for what he did. Sexy M agreed, but he also said that it would be quite an inhuman punishment.

Like I already said, I don't know what to think.
What about you? I'd be happy to get some opinions in the comments!